syntech | Inbox: Upcycled

[Ethan had thought nothing of it, for a long time. It's no wonder Falco wouldn't -- he's young, trying to do what he thinks is right, doing it all for the right reasons.

You don't think much of freedom until you're a passenger in your own body.

He can feel it, rather than hear it - the familiar weight of it on Falco where it keeps his head down, brings the stinging sensation of tears. Quietly, he gets up to help dole out the food - maybe to give Falco that soft moment to work through it.]

... There's no strength in holding back your feelings. A good friend told me that, once.

[He's a hypocrite. He knows that, but... Maybe the words will help, even a little. He rests a cool hand on Falco's shoulder, gives a squeeze -- leaves him the time to decide if he wants Ethan to stay or let him be for now.

He's not hungry, after all. His body may be, but that's hardly the point. It can wait, of Falco needs to take a moment.]

[ just a little while longer, he uses just a few more seconds to keep his eyes down and checks on spaghetti that needed no checking (it’s just hot), but the hold on his arm had been like open a door. or, more accurately, a faucet. it’s now painfully obvious that he’s crying if it hadn’t been before, quiet and somber as he gives into the quiver in his shoulders to sniff, nod, and sit back down. ]

It hurts . . . That he’s hurt.

[ he’s too empathetic for his own good, and it might just be his imagination brewing something larger than necessary . . . he rubs the back of his hand beneath his nose with a snort, and with his palm smears the tears that had built up at the corners of his eyes.

at least he kept to that, more times than not. he just . . . didn’t want to keep feeling like he was whining. ]

I just— don’t . . . Want that to be an excuse. [ an excuse to just sit there. and wonder. and cry. ] I want to keep moving. Someone taught me that once.

[He's not good at being comforting... Clumsy, even, with little experience in it himself. But he's trying, with little touches and soft motions that sit in some half-used space in his head.]

I know. But you made a mistake, just like he did. That's okay, you know.

[He digs in his pocket for a handkerchief, something he hadn't always carried, but well... It's getting colder.]

You can talk to him about it when you see him next. Hopefully, he returns home soon... [it's difficult to listen to Falco, knowing he's not the best choice for it. But that statement...]

You'll keep moving. The way it feels is a reminder, it doesn't lock you into anything.

As long as you talk to him, I think he'll like that. [Definitely better than Ethan doing the same, he doesn't say.] Nothing is black and white, so don't despair just yet.

[ boy, was it. the world was very colorful, grey in all places and never actually solid. he knew that. eren had reenforced that without meaning to, and it hadn’t been as if falco was fully unaware. he nods quietly to it, as understood as any, but ethan . . . has been the one talking. ethan too, had things kept from connor that would very much hurt him the same way. ]

What about you? Will you talk to him?

[In the end, his are worse. For a number of reasons, they are. Ethan knows it. The way he inhales, exhales a sigh... it's painful, thinking about it.

He should be used to keeping secrets, but...]

Yeah. I can't keep it from him forever, you know? But... I don't think it'll end so well for me. I've been trying to think it through for ages, but... I guess I'm just going to have to let everything fall where it may.

He deserves better than that sort of secrecy, after all.

. . . You don’t think he’d understand?

[ with the obvious upset aside, of course, which couldn’t be removed and he understood that. hell, connor’s probably upset with him too, if he figured out why he was caked in dirt just following -60’s arrival. but falco was missing a very important piece, there. he didn’t see connor and ethan going somewhere together on the night of the party, and if he had, he wouldn’t have thought much of it. ]

... mm.

[Ethan doesn't let his gaze fall as he might want it to, though he shakes his head.]

It's... Complicated, isn't it? Between who it was and all... So I don't think he'll understand.

[They'd been lucky, that night. No one had seen them make their escape to wonder in the first place. Finally, Ethan offers a thin smile.]

It'll be alright, though. I accepted the possibility before, y'know? We talked about it at the party.

[At this point he can barely remember the actual events of the party, save the very real, blaring "mistake" he'd made being in perfect detail.

He still doesn't know if he would change it if he could.]

[ . . . well, then. he does remember that, and there's nothing falco can really say against it if he did so willingly. with a little more constancy, falco rises from his seat to take ethan's plate and serve him first. the spaghetti is set messily, but at least it smells edible. a little on the sweet side. ]

I remember. [ it's hard to do that sort of thing. he just wishes that maybe it didn't have to be so complicated, but hadn't everyone wished for that? ] I don't think I would change anything either, if it were me.

[ was that a bad thing? ah, who knew . . . ]

—Do you want more, Mister Ethan?

[ the plate, is what he means, as well as a short attempt at beginning to lighten the conversation. ]

Yeah. In the end... I guess that's how it tends to be. I never want to change a thing.

[That's... a good thing, right? It's hard to say, objectively. The food smells a little sweet - that's not so bad either, even if he's wholly unused to it.]

Ah-- no, that's alright. I actually don't eat all that much. It's easier on my body.

[Here, he finally laughs, head shaking. His whole physical situation is pretty laughable, in a lot of ways. It's been his life for so long that he doesn't even bat a lash talking about it.]

[ the chuckle brings lightness to the otherwise heavy-aired kitchen. falco can blink the redness, swelling and shine away from his eyes and crack open a beam in turn. for ethan, then: a plate of spaghetti. by taste, as the smell provides: the sauce has been tampered toward a more sweet zest than a well adjusting salty suave. it doesn't mean it tastes bad, though! edible, some work is needed, but a good try for a first timer all the same. ]

I'll make sure you eat enough. [ ah! and! ] If you can be honest with the taste . . . I'd really appreciate it.

You don't have to worry about that. I actually have to eat pretty frequently with my medications. And I can do that, but I'm not sure if my tastes will compare to most.

[He has many dietary restrictions in addition to everything else. But he'll take a bite, giving it all a fair go -- and really, as things go, it's not awful. Definitely a first-time try, but also definitely edible. Thoughtfully, he takes another bite before even trying to put it all into words.]

It's... a little sweet. [It takes him a moment, mostly because he's aware of how much more he tastes sugar, compared to others.] Could use a little bit more salt, maybe some garlic. But it's not bad at all.

[ he knew it, and nods as he wolfs down a forkfull himself. ]

The book said you can fix how acid it tastes with sugar, so . . . [ there went that attempt, ] Thank you.

[ falco takes a few more mouths; despite its sweetness, he’s hungry. there’s a thought that comes to mind when he hums, with his mouth full and indicating with a finger as he swallowed. ]

What kind of food do you like best, anyway?

[He's slow about eating compared to Falco, but that certainly seems more to do with him than the food.

At the comment about acidity, he hums, finishing his own bite and inclining his head.]

You can get away with a lot with sugar, but you'll want to taste it while you do. If you wanted to counteract it chemically, you'd want to add something like a small amount of baking soda, then maybe a little sugar or butter.

It's not really a problem if you have fresh tomatoes and make your own sauce, but that's a longer process.

[He just sort of states this like it's nothing - and for him, it really isn't much. He's prepared make for himself for ages now, and Lily was wonderful about teaching. As to the question...]

... Honestly, I'm not sure. There's a lot I don't eat because of my disease.

I guess a mild chicken soup is what I think of most, though. Or just... Lightly steamed vegetables and steak. I usually make my food, so I don't think much of it.

[ his very own tomato sauce . . . actually, the time ethan spends talking is the time falco can take to chew through his forkfulls. ]

I can try chicken soup . . . [ it didn’t sound so hard! and the most inquiring of those thoughts: ] You sound like you know how to cook a lot of things, Mister Ethan.

It's a good starter choice. Mostly just takes a while of waiting. [At the comment about knowing cooking, Ethan can't help but smile. Despite it all, after all, there are good memories there.]

I learned pretty young, mostly from my sister after our parents passed. She liked cooking a lot more than I do, but with my disease, I have to be pretty careful with what I have.

[ ❗ out of nowhere, falco seems happy for something, and he soon makes that apparent. ]

You have a sibling! What's she like?

[For once, Ethan doesn't wince. He brought her up, after all, so he'd accepted taking about her from that point.]

Mm. She was... Very kind. Soft-spoken, but stern when she needed to be. Just full of life and optimism, and she always seemed to know what to say to help someone who was hurting, even if she didn't know why.

[His smile is wistful, talking about her. And he doesn't correct Falco exactly, but he might catch the past tense for what it is.]

[ at first, he didn’t pay much attention— he’d assumed, fairly quickly, that he’s using past because ethan was no longer home and not because of the worst. it’s listening and mulling over each word, each descriptor once or twice that he realizes . . . he’s looking into a mirror for when he spoke of colt. happy to remember. wistful that it’s out of his reach. he could see it in ethans’s eyes now, and lowers the fork in his hand. ]

Did she look like you?

[ he’s caught on, but for falco’s visual puzzle to his imagination, one thing was still missing. he asks out of both curiosity and respect for the memory. ]

[Ethan almost laughs at the idea, and his head shakes.]

We shared some features, of course - she's related by blood, after all - but she was... Much more captivating than me. She was luckier medically, too, maybe because we had different mothers.

[He can see it so easily, her hands laced together while she stood by, gently working with him on some mundane task.]

... Would you like to see? I still have her last videolog message.

[He knows it'll hurt him to hear her right now, but maybe he wants that. And maybe he needs it.]

[ falco’s eyes widen as his fork gets gently placed over the plate in an unspoken finish. it’s something he wish he could have. colt still moving in front of him, talking and laughing. maybe even a picture would do— but he had none. it felt like a sacred opportunity, no matter the technological advancement. ]

If you don’t mind it . . . Yes, please.

I don't mind. I refer to it a lot, back home.

[He doesn't quite laugh at the thought of minding. Really, he should probably refer to her more often...

But he takes a moment to pull up his screen and adjust the size so it's easier to see. The numbers and words displayed won't mean anything to Falco, but they're quickly dismissed for the recall of a video anyway.

It's a simple scene, just a park with sparse trees in some unknown location, with a figure at the front. She's... well, very pretty - older than Ethan is now, by the business clothes she wears. It's not hard to tell they're related, though at a glance, her features are much more round and soft than Ethan's, her skin a more proper complexion - a bit darker, even, than his own. They share the same slim figure and intense eyes, though Lily's are a bright, yellow-green hazel compared to Ethan's green ones.

She has one of those smiles that could turn the world around, and it's given freely here. There's audio to the video as well, and it's slightly grainy from the small output speakers in the glove, but easily heard. "It's been a while since we could talk last," she begins - and just... talks to him. It's hard to remember she was just recording, sometimes.

She speaks, in the videolog, of mostly mundane things - though it softens at the end on a rather more... serious note. "I know things are kind of rough lately, and you can't talk to me like we used to, but still. You're doing the best you can, and never forget that, okay? No matter what happens, don't let someone else change who you are.

I'm proud of you, Ethan."

From there, the video will just loop, so it's clear that it's ended even before Ethan dismisses it.]

[ ah . . . she almost reminded falco of a princess of some sort, not just by beauty, but especially because of the way she spoke. charisma, goodness— it almost felt like you could talk back to her, and it brings a quaint, warming smile to falco's face. he edges off of his seat and even begins to lean. it's over too soon, and even when it starts up again only to shut off in silence . . . falco looks over to ethan with a visible likeness in his eyes. ]

She looks a lot like you, there. [ he wasn't sure how he could put into words what he was feeling without it simply being "she looks so nice". ] Did she work a lot?

[He'd laugh if he knew that - Lily was anything but a princess, charisma or not. But it's... kind of nice, seeing someone else as entranced as he's always been. It dims the ache of separation a bit more, and his lips quirk unevenly at the comment on her looks.]

You think so? I guess we did never get mistaken for anything but siblings. [He'd have accepted 'she looks so nice', honestly.] She worked about as normal, I think. I was the one who was always gone.

It was safer for her. Well... it was supposed to be. With what I do, nothing is perfectly safe, though.

[ he’s heard of occupational hazards . . . hell, he was part of one, and even if everything happened in the wrong place and the wrong time— it’s hard to shake off the feeling that he killed colt. he can imagine that it might be the same sentiment: blame. ]

Your job was dangerous?

A bit, yeah. The work itself's not inherently dangerous, but... I mean, what I do? It can be.

We're basically infiltrators, going in to find information people are trying to hide, you know? Naturally, they have defenses in place. So I had my own, and separated myself from the people I knew.

[He can't help but laugh, setting his fork down. It doesn't take him long to get full, really.]

Wasn't... really hard, before. She was really the only person I was around, other than people who helped me handle my disease.

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