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Inbox: Upcycled
[Just that simple, automated voice saying 'leave a message'.]
This page also serves as the text inbox for Ethan's Upcycled phone, as well as for any more secure networks he/someone may set up to use.
This page also serves as the text inbox for Ethan's Upcycled phone, as well as for any more secure networks he/someone may set up to use.
no subject
There's a still sort of silence, a wash of expressions that thrums past Ethan's face, at the question.
I'm sorry I̢͞'̛m ̢͞sor̀ry̛͡ i͏͏̴̀'̶͞͞m̷͏̸ ̴̷̢s̡͜͢͞o̵͢r̷̡̛͝ŗ͞y̨̛̕ ͟ì̷̵͝m̢̨͝ ̛̀͡s̛͢ò͟͡҉͠҉̸̵̸̵̶̴̵̷̴̡̧̧̧̧̢̀̀̀̀́̀̕̕̕̕̕͜͢͟͟͢͟͞͞͝͠ŗ̵̶̨̛̀͢͢͝҉̷̷̴̷̵̨̨̡̢̡̀́͟͜͟͠͝͞r̷̶̸̶̷̸̨̢̡̨̀̀̀͘͘͜͡͠͡͠҉̶̢̢̨̢̧̕͘͜͢͝͠͏̶̴̛̕ỳ̴̵̸̴̸̸̷̧̧̛̀͘̕͢͜͢͝҉̷҉̡̡̢̨̨̛́͜͞͝͝͏́͘͜-]
{Most people have lost something, you know.} [A sigh, heavy and quiet.] {I lost everything. I seem to be good at that.}
no subject
[ he lets his gaze drift back out toward the ocean. it was cold out here, and maybe there was an extra bite because of the sea breeze, but it was nice in a way. ]
It's because you know what that feels like that you want to help them, is that right?
CW: mentions of torture whoops
[Just her. One tiny little thing. Every moment of silence is thick and heavy, carried like breath on the sea breeze. Finally, he laughs. It's not a pleasant sound, tremulous and crackling.]
{I just don't want him to become what I would, in his shoes. He thinks it's about efficiency, that it's just--}
[It's just it's just just just a machine-]
{Just Sixty. As if he doesn't understand how much they're both lying to themselves.}
[The guilt and remorse are thick enough to drown in, aren't they?]
{The way he left him... the way Sixty sounded through our connection...}
[There's still care in his words, awareness of the fog. No uncomfortable questions.]
{No one deserves a penalty on top of that. Taken apart, left with nothing but feeling, buried in the dirt. She-}
[No. Wrong. He doesn't catch it in time, and that just makes him frown. This is deeper than here, deeper than what happened. He wipes it clean, trying to smear the blood away from the reality of memory.
It'd been so easy, pulling his thirium pump free.
It'd been so easy....]
{He didn't deserve that. It was the least I could do, since I was the one who could have maybe warned him if I'd thought of it.}
casually whoopses a torture
...the priest absently finds himself staring at the rosary in his lap, for a moment, as he listens to Ethan. ]
It isn't your burden, Ethan.
[ the words are softer. they're empty of judgment or accusation. there's just a quiet concern, and sympathy. ]
And I don't mean the penalty. You're looking to punish yourself for something that has nothing to do with the Connors, aren't you.
And I oop-
{It isn't anyone else's burden. My actions offered information.}
[It's his fault, but the problem is that it's bleeding through. He can't separate it fully from the view he'd gotten, and he stares upward into the distant sky in some attempt to bolster himself.]
{It's not that. I don't need to punish myself more for it, here.} ['more'.] {I'm not usually this incapable of separating the new torture from the memory.
It's what I'm supposed to be good at. The calm one who can work with anyone.}
[It paints an awful picture of a twisted world. The way he writes the words following don't seem like he's the one actually thinking them, in places. He's never spoken of hubris. Of anything but his strengths and personal weaknesses.]
{My past is my burden, and my hubris is its maker. What I did for Connor, I did for the sake of a promise. What I took for his sake was my choice. All I have to do now is separate the reality from the memory.
Eventually, the sound will return. It always does. But I also owe the other Connor an explanation.}
no subject
yes, he thinks it’s definitely a little of both. ]
Will you talk to him? It’s been some time now, since.
[ it would be difficult, he imagined, but it was something he needed to do for closure. not just for his sake, either ]
no subject
Ethan sighs, heavily.]
{I owe him that much. I've been working with the one person he despises, after all. The one person who could have driven him to this precipice. If not for me, he'd have kept up whatever plan he'd made, not worrying about what pain and fear sixty was in.
I can handle it, if he hates me. If he doesn't understand why I didn't go to him first.} [He has to be prepared for it.] {It was stupid of me to think I could pull the brakes on those two, even if I understand them both. In the end, I helped nothing.
I just don't know how to bring it up. How to minimise his pain.}
[If he'd been less selfish, last month, it'd hurt less for Connor later. More importantly, he cares... Far too much, for someone who was just an 'ally' of -51.]
no subject
[ he absently turns the rosary in his lap over in his hands; the weight of it is a reassurance as much as some subconscious gesture. ]
They were made for a purpose. In their short lives, they haven’t learned anything outside of what their limited experiences taught them; they haven’t grown up in the world like you or me. All they have to draw on is that snapshot of what the human experience is supposed to be.
They don’t need someone to bear the burden for them, Ethan — they need someone to teach them what to do with the burden. Show them the right way. From what you’re telling me, you should already know that... painful as it is, living through the consequences of our actions... and feeling that pain, is one of the only ways some of us learn anything at all.
no subject
The amount he'd always known...]
{It's not... That. If it was just the information, it'd be easier. You don't actively worm your way into someone's periphery and then inform them you're also working with their arch nemesis.}
[how many ways can he say it without actually broaching the subject of being there? Of basking in the soft comfort, the smiles, the pressure of--
He should have just kept his feelings to himself a little longer.]
no subject
[ he offers Ethan a sidelong smile. ]
Why can’t you do precisely that, Ethan...? Sometimes it takes that sort of thing to open their eyes. You can see things they don’t, and... just because they’ve made enemies of each other doesn’t mean it will always be that way. Sometimes the best way to help people who are lost like that is to understand them. Both of them.
It will take time, but... if you care that much about them, then I think you’ve already decided it’s worth it.
no subject
Thinking about those who helped, things that have been said. He can't hear it, right now, but he can remember the sound.]
I....
[His voice is... Very weak. Thin and thready, tired. There's really no doubt as to why he'd be relying on that machine voice.
Why is he even talking about it?
What good does it--
He doesn't know if--
He's seen Connor's hurt face already.
He's just. Giving him as much time as he-- that's a lie. Connor is already hurting. Alone, without knowing who...]
Like I... Said. I've accepted it.
[He's not okay. There's an odd oscillation in tone, fighting between two extremes. Two poles that are ultimately too much weight for one person either way.
He should have contacted him already. Connor doesn't deserve-]
I owe him this much, but I... How do you even start that dialogue?
[It occurs to him just how cold he is, and he doesn't really care as long as he can feel his fingertips. Fingers drag through the screen he'd been working on, and it dematerializes. With it, every thought of distraction goes.
He couldn't focus on them anyway.
It's funny, how much it makes him look his age. He's no less sharp, no less determined, but-- he's a lot younger than he sometimes sounds.
It's hubris to--]
I'm so goddamn tired.
[He laughs. It's a bitter, painful thing. He's tired, and moreover? He's actively terrified. He struggles over his words in a good day when it comes to this.
He can deal with it, he says. How else can he tape himself back together when everything hurts? If he's the only one who takes it on, it'll be over and he can...
Can what?]
1/2
2/2
You're a fool, you know that...?
[ but it's said softly, and with fondness. ]
If you're tired, then... go ahead and rest for a little while. You're not alone, and the world isn't ending... nothing is over with. You have time. You'll talk to them... and even if it's not tomorrow, or the day after that - it will eventually be okay. We're all in this together, so...
Please stop trying to bear it all alone.
no subject
He's too numb to really to stop it, and doesn't really... Want to to begin with. Nudged, he shifts - Ethan is cold, but no cooler than an average day. He's hesitant and stiff-backed, even when leaning into Abel.
He just wants to...
He's...]
Not-- it's not... That. Not just. I can't... Hear. The same way. Even you sound like-- nothing. I hate it.
[More than just the two, though they're definitely the biggest catalyst.]
... I don't like it. I can't... Afford. To be that close to people, it's not safe for them.
It's not that I'm the only one, I know that.
... I just... [The words are thick and acidic on his tongue, left there to burn for too long. He doesn't even understand them fully.] ... I shouldn't have gotten that close in the first place. If I was home, I never...
[He's not home, but he still rationalises it. And maybe it makes sense, if he was taking the truth earlier. He's... Trying, but this is a suffocating weight, and he's without the sense to find where its logic crumbles.]
no subject
[ he had people to lean against - figuratively or otherwise, in this case. ]
You can't say you want to bear their burdens for them because you care for them as much as you do, and claim you can't afford to be close in the same breath. That's not how it works, and you know that.
It's time to decide what you truly want. Holing yourself off from pain also means sacrificing any chance of happiness ever again... for both you, and everyone who might ever reach out to you.
no subject
...
[It's amazing how small he can make himself, when he wants to. His phone sits aside, buzzing occasionally on the ground, and he ignores it wholesale.
You can't just stop moving. That's the one thing we survivors cannot do. Soft. Gentle.
He misses it more than he thought. Just having a calm voice to follow. Knowing he was doing what he could.]
I'm... [Afraid. He has never, in his relatively short life, actually felt this way about anyone other than the remainder of his family. And he got her killed. And he has to go back to that and--] I'm trying. They'll all have plenty to... [He's very good, it seems, at putting himself last. Slotting in everything, and then him.
The sound he makes is pained, frustrated. Connor already doesn't deserve what he's done to him, he's sure. But...]
... I can't take the idea of it. I thought I could, because I don't even know what I'm feeling. It's...
I liked it better, being alone behind a screen.
[What a depressing fact. He has to say it aloud to realise, truly, just how depressing it is. He wants to go back, so he doesn't have to think about this.
He liked it because it was convenient, of course. Having gotten a taste of something... he doesn't know if he'd feel the same, now.]
no subject
[ his hand gently slides from Ethan's head to a shoulder, resting lightly and providing whatever comfort physical contact could. he didn't know if he was the type to appreciate this kind of thing, and he didn't want to make him uncomfortable just in case, but... it seemed cruel, to sit there and do nothing. ]
It's hard to keep moving forward. There's no guarantees that things won't hurt, or... that you won't make mistakes along the way and hurt others. But if you let that fear paralyze you, you'll never escape that cold, lonely place you've locked yourself away in. You may not believe me when I say this, Ethan, but you don't deserve to be there. No matter what you've done... it's never too late to start over and make amends.
[ ...yes; that's right. 'it's never too late.' ]
As long as you let others walk with you, you can leave that dark place anytime. You don't have to forgive yourself yet, if you feel like you can't - but if you keep up like this, you'll crush yourself... and if not for yourself, then for the sake of those who can't walk with us anymore - we absolutely can't let that happen.
So rest, if you need to. Have faith in those who are with you now, okay? Don't bear it all alone.
no subject
It's always easier to hide, yes, but he tells himself it's not just that. The weight isn't so heavy, normally.]
Never... [He latches onto it, the thought-- irrational. The rest is too much. It sinks into him, bone-deep and heavy. He wants to push away from it.
So he focuses on it. On the cruelty of optimism.]
It's too idealistic, 'never'. [make amends? Is that what he's trying to do, systematically tearing people apart? Make amends for the thing he caused, for the world that continues on day by day?
If it was just the situation here, maybe he could swallow it eventually.]
You're right, Abel. I don't believe it, because I do belong here. Because no amount of making amends changes the decisions I've made, where I'm from. There is no answer in the world, no amount of other souls saved, that excuses the things I've done. You don't get to turn around and pretend you're righteous when you intentionally take someone's parent, their future, their positive experiences. I don't get to be a good guy just because I'm taking down what I think is wrong. I've long accepted that.
[What he did before is... Evidently a lot heavier than not. His voice is tired, but it doesn't waver the same way as it does when taking about people here. Things he's actively connected to.]
... Even without that, though... I just don't want to hurt him, but it's already too late for that. The idea of seeing his face, knowing I was allied with the one individual who seemed to want only to kill him...
[There's the problem. Connor doesn't know. And now, that's taken a darker turn, and he's scared of it. Making amends is nothing more than explaining and letting Connor make the decision, and that's terrifying.]
I can't run from it forever, but God. I want to. I've never wanted to run from anything. I'm not scared of what I am. I'm scared of-- [of finally having something and finding he's not good enough.] letting myself try to have something.
no subject
the priest shifts away a bit. ]
You're right... There's no amount of good you can do that will take back your sins. That isn't how life works, as nice as it would be - it isn't a scale, where if you've gone too far in one direction, you just put enough on the other end to balance it all out.
[ but... ]
That doesn't mean you should be empty forever. You can make amends, even if you can't forgive yourself. No... maybe it's because you won't forgive yourself that you don't belong there. Someone who sits and wallows in self-pity in that place is no good to anyone, especially those he's wronged. The only people who should be locked away in that emptiness are monsters who would rather do nothing than face the burden of responsibility, and you're not a monster.
[ he draws back, a bit more - just enough that he can begin stretching to his feet. ]
What's done is done... and you know this already. All you can do, is... fight, now. For those you love. This is something you have to do, and want, yourself. Either you bear the pain and stand for them, and let them hold you up in return, or... you sink, and lose it all. Whatever you believe, Ethan... if you hear nothing else I'm saying to you-- I am telling you to please hear this.
It is never too late. For them, or you.
no subject
It's a complicated mess, in the end. It makes it easy to accept the concessions, and harder to do so quietly. There's a... Certain measure of implication in Abel's words, after all. What belongs here and what doesn't...]
I'm not a monster. [It's not him trying it out - it's agreement, now. He knows, compared to the things he's seen, he's nothing.] I'm just not afraid to be a villain, in the eyes of the masses. Because if no one else...
[he trails off. They're not taking about home now. He doesn't want to talk about home, deal with the heavy weight in his chest.
Fight. It's so simple, isn't it? It's been the answer every time. The monsters. The reality. The very real guilt juxtaposed against soft encouragement.
Is it worth it? He's afraid. It's a new emotion, in this way. Between them all, he wonders-- would it be easier with some?]
I don't-- love. [There's a hesitance then, one that's honestly too awkward to be anything but real. More specifically - he doesn't know what he's actually feeling, other than that it's terrifying in its strength.]
... But I can fight, if they... If he wants to. [A two-pronged issue, but one will be solved easier than the other. It won't help his mental state anytime soon, and honestly... This isn't anything he wasn't already planning.]
I just... Needed time. After seeing that. I can't start a dialogue if I can't reliably remember what was done to sixty versus what I was made to watch. I hadn't thought anything he could do would be half as cruel as that. Had thought the plastic and thirium would make it easier to separate.
[That... Is probably a concerning declaration. Set of declarations, really. All he'd had, he said - it leaves no room for interpretation as far as the circumstances.]
no subject
[ he offers a small smile, whether in encouragement, reassurance, or just solidarity. ]
...Don't stay out here for too long, okay?
no subject
It'll be an answer, which is more than I have right now... And I wasn't planning on it. The chill won't let me stay out too much longer.
[It's almost amused. Almost. He shifts his weight, stretching his legs - they're quite loud in their protesting groans.]
It's just nicer to hear something when I can. Until the Synesthesia comes back.
[he's half talking to himself there.]
..... Thank you, Abel. [he may not feel better, the way he had last month, but... Maybe, for a little while, it was good to be serious. To see under the veneer, the facade they use to bury their hearts.]
no subject
he offers a little wave, before taking his leave. hopefully he'd have the courage to talk to them now, and... the rest is in his hands ]